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I’m a non-smoker

2012-06-05T16:19:40+00:00

Males are supposed to be born knowing how to fix machinery, use firearms, and grill meat. At least that’s what I’m told. As a male, I’m a bit of a failure. I can fix machinery, but only after I put it together wrong in every conceivable way. I use firearms, and I’m a natural at that, with only one mishap to my credit (and no one saw it – a bullet through the shooting bench in front of me at the range). I grill meat, but only with the aid of a thermometer, and by cutting it open to look every so often to see if it is done.

I tried smoking meat for the first time last week. With a houseful of guests. I knew it would not turn out well, and it didn’t. I built a fire which was three times too large, and it cooked the meat in less than an hour, whereas most meat should take three hours or more to smoke it properly. I told darling wife that the meat was done, according to the thermometer. “That’s not long enough for it to have a smoke flavor, so leave it on the grill,” she said. I moved the meat to the “warming tray” far above the fire, but it didn’t help. By the 2.5-hour mark, the pork loins were hockey pucks, and the turkey breasts were pretty dry. I knew that would happen, but I was only following orders. ;-)

I ate the hockey pucks, because I can’t taste much anyway, and it would have been a shame to waste it. Darling wife whipped up a batch of gravy, sliced up the dry turkey breasts thin, and served them with green beans. Everyone was happy and it turned out well.

Tomorrow we will try smoking again with chicken (cheap meat, good for experimentation). And we’ll do it with only one-third of the charcoal.

2 Comments
  1. 2012-06-06T18:07:47+00:00 18:07

    Marvin the Martian,
    That’s okay, what makes you different makes you great! I know that my guy friends can’t fix a dang thing, so I never ask them to. What you know how to do, i’m sure you do excellently! :)

    Love,
    Blithe M.

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  2. 2012-06-05T16:51:55+00:00 16:51

    Maybe next time you could let it go a few more hours and make jerky? Alton Brown from the Food Network is a bit over-the-top anal retentive but he has good, thorough instructions on the smoking process. Of course, I can’t find any in the 30 seconds I just looked.

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